Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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