i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
