College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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