The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
