he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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