I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
