So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She said her name was "party"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
