things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
