I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
