theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
