Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
