i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
