Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
