I am puke
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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