I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
