I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
