I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
