update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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