went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
