its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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