I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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