The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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