I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
