i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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