I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
