in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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