I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
