So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
