high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
