what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
