Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
