You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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