Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
