Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
