the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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