Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
