Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
