some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
