Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Don't EVER smell your tampon
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
