You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
