Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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