guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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