You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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