Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
