my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
