so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
don't judge my taste in strippers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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