so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
