my vag is so smooth its legendary
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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