my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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