I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
