I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
