There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
