Your mouth is God's brothel.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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