after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
