my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
