I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
